Monster

I hate my dad. Just writing that sentence makes me tense. Hate is a strong word but I don't feel bad in using it because then I think of the millions of reasons why.

1) He's stupid.
He has no common sense. He doesn't know anything. He has no education. Sometimes I think he has a disorder. He has the mental capacity of a high school student, or better yet, elementary. He can't make decisions for himself or fucking choose a decent movie at Blockbuster. He still has trouble picking out clothing. He still thinks I have no idea that he smokes. The most obvious things are not obvious to him. Things people should naturally know, he doesn't know. Mistakes that have happened more than once, he still makes.

2) He has the worst memory.
He is so absolutely forgetful. If you tell him what you'd like at Tim Hortons, he'll ask you again three seconds later when reaching the drive-thru. If you ask him to get a certain something at the grocery store, he'll forget because he's used to getting the same foods week after week. We don't tell him to get the same foods; he does it all on his own. I've told him numerous times to stop buying Oreo cookies since we have 5 packs in the pantry and nobody eats them, but he does anyway. He can't process information. He's slow.

3) He's a savage.
My dad resembles an animal. It's in the way he eats, drinks, speaks, breathes... He takes food from his children. If he's hungry, he's hungry and nobody is stopping him. He eats like he's never seen food before. He's the type of person who sips soup loudly and eats a hamburger in three bites. He chews with his mouth open and chews while drinking too. He cuts people off when they're speaking and talks over them. He has no respect for others. He spits when he speaks and doesn't brush his teeth. His hands are always black because of work but he still doesn't even attempt to clean them. He doesn't wash his hands when finishing in the bathroom. I would know because I listen to hear if the water turns on and it never does. He's a creature. He has no manners. He's selfish and disgusting.

4) He's the biggest wop.
He has that Italian accent and that douche bag 'swag'. He slouches when he walks and his steps are heavy. He is always grammatically incorrect and I'm sure it's the Italian influence. He uses, "I says" when telling a story and it pisses the fuck out of me. He's loud and in your face when speaking. His hand gestures are definitely over-exaggerated when getting excited about a certain part in the story. He drives my neighbor into work everyday and uses Italian expressions when conversing. My dad acts like my neighbor understands but my neighbor is more English than a bundt cake. My dad doesn't get it and clearly neither does Bill. Poor Bill. I've always felt bad for you. It must suck to watch my dad tell stories with his hands in your face and not on the wheel.

5) He's a baby.
He acts like a five year old. He's flat out immature. He gets mad at my mother for buying stuff when he always spends money on the most pointless things. He bought a Montreal Canadians flag that lights up to put in the back window of the car. It isn't worth it's price but he adores it. Waste of fucking money. And of course, if we tell him this, he'll get offended. He buys all these stupid gadgets that are useless. He once bought a new refrigerator that we didn't even need just because he wanted it and thought it looked nice. We use it today and curse it every time we open it. If I'm watching a show I'd like to watch, he becomes a child and whines that he can't watch his own show. Hockey isn't the only importance in life. Understand that, you asshole.

6) He's repetitive.
He repeats the same things again and again and again and again. "We have to go to Nonna's." Heard at 9am, 9:10am, 10am, 10:15am, and you can predict the rest. If you tell me something at one time, I don't need to be re-told. I fucking heard you. I'm not you. I'm capable of understanding and following instructions. My mom even tells him he's repetitive. The thing that's most annoying is that he doesn't realize. He thinks he's telling me for the first time. So the second time, he'd say, "Steph, we're going to Nonna's tonight, eh? Don't make plans." What the fuck. So odd. How can you not be conscious of the things you tell a person? Especially when it's more than once?

7) He's a copy-cat.
Everything my mother says, he says. He has never given me orders that weren't influenced from my mom. He's like her follower. It angers me. He can't be himself. The only reason he copies her is because he wants to stay on her good side. If I'm being scolded by my mother, he'd chime in saying "Yeah, she's right." Or if my mom said "you're not going anywhere," an hour later my dad would come tell me "you're not going anywhere" as if to feel superior or something. Yeah, nice try. I never take my dad seriously and never go to him for an answer. He always directs me to my mother anyway.

8) He's a push-over.
My brother is his prized possession. I think maybe because he's young and my brother has yet to hate him like my mother and I do. My brother is the only one that gives him loving so naturally, my dad is closer with him than us. I see it as his last chance at acceptance. When my brother asks for something, he gets it. My brother's a spoiled rotten child and it's because my dad gives him everything and anything. When my dad refuses to buy him something, my brother acts like he doesn't love my dad anymore so this causes my dad to feel guilty and gets suckered into buying more. I never ask my parents to buy me anything. My dad probably wouldn't and my mother's a different story. If it's for my brother though, we have to completely stop the whole world for him. The excuse is always: "Let him have it." It bothers me to see my brother take advantage of him. It bothers me even more to see my dad enjoying it. He figures in return for the expenses, he'll get my brother's affection. Just so fucked up. Man up.

9) He's needy.
He craves everyone's attention. It's sad and I do feel bad sometimes. He's deprived of love. I used to love my dad so much until I got older and changed my mind. He strives to get me to love him. He buys my favorite fruit and points it out to me. He tries to make me laugh in order feel good about himself, in order to feel like he's a good father. I wish he didn't. It's pathetic. I survive with a bitchy mother and asshole of a father. I go on. Life goes on. It's baby-ish really. If I don't want to be in your life, you should move on; you should accept it. The fact that he's practically on his knees is weak of him. If he was smart enough, he'd avoid me like I avoid him. That would get my attention.

10) He's a nervous wreck.
This is one of his worst qualities. He is always nervous. He never stops moving. If sitting, he's shaking his leg. In traffic, he's tapping his finger repeatedly. He gets nervous when the phone rings and nobody answers. We don't answer because it's either publicity or my annoying uncle, but he freaks out nonetheless. If he has to go to his mother's for dinner at 5pm, he'll keep reminding me or he'll push my brother to get dressed at 9 in the morning. If we're late to a party by half an hour, it's officially the end of the world. He's anxious. He's fidgety. He's always on the go. He doesn't know what the word how to relax.

11) He has no patience.
This ties into being a nervous wreck. Since he can't stay still ever, he can never be calm. Waiting five minutes feels like an hour to him. He needs his food first. He needs his TV first. If he's picking me up somewhere and I'm not there at the exact second he asked, he gets pissed. He has no patience with anything really. Now that I think of it, he can't even endure a conversation. He never waits for someone to finish their thought. I also know that at work, he has trouble getting along with his colleagues. He "can't handle anybody in that place" apparently. I don't think he can handle anybody in any place. He's always on pins and needles; always edgy, always anxious.

12) He has anger issues.
This mostly derives from being impatient. This is also one of the worst qualities he possesses. His anger problem is bad. If you really piss him off, he'll look like he's about to eat you. I think his anger takes control of his mind and he can't help himself because just watching him, I feel like he can't stop from going crazy. He swears repeatedly when he's mad and loudly. It's scary almost.
Traffic is what really sets him on fire. If someone cuts him off after he's been waiting in line for half an hour, my dad will lose it. I've seen it so many times. He yells out the window, gives the finger and then when the situation is over, after five minutes, he's still whispering things. He's still mumbling "asshole" or "fucking idiot". And it goes on and on and on. I can't even get through to him. Telling him to calm the fuck down, does not work... Clearly. It makes him even more angered.
It's never safe to be around my dad when he's fuming mad. When he's really and I mean really mad at Andrew, I worry. My brother may deserve it but I know how aggressive my father is. My dad can hit hard if he wants to.
My dad also uses a certain defense mechanism known as "Displacement". He takes his anger and his unwanted feelings and impulses towards someone, out on someone else. If my mother gets mad at him, my dad always takes it out on us kids. It's my fault he's an idiot all of a sudden. Whenever he upsets my mom, he's mad at himself. Always. My mom would divorce his ass any day and he worries she will. This is why when she's mad at him, he's mad at us. It isn't right. Leave us the fuck alone.

Nothing can fully and utterly describe the burning hatred that flows through my veins. Reading this will only give you a certain point of view. I wish you could live a day in my shoes. Only then will you understand exactly what I deal with all 365 days of the year...

I Miss You

     It sucks when you don't see your friends in the hallways anymore. I'm a mixture of jealous and lonely. We've always told each other that we will not be like those people who lose contact due to difference of location... We now eat our own words. I haven't seen my friends since summer. I haven't heard their voices since then either. The casual text is something, but it's terribly impersonal. I feel like they're strangers. I feel like I don't know anything about them anymore. I usually know the 411; I'm usually the person that's told everything. I don't know if Amanda's having difficulty in math or if Claire's crushing on one of the Indie kids. It bothers me. I used to know every single thing and now, nothing. I don't know what bag they use everyday or what food they bring for lunch. These may sound like silly details, but it's killing me to simply not know. I'm someone that usually suggests which bag to wear and what food to eat.
     It makes me sad to think all my good friends hang around each other and I'm completely isolated from them. It hurts to realize I have very few friends here, ones that would never amount to how special they are. It's something to get used to, definitely, and I'm sure I'll survive. It just lowers my spirit to realize I can't eat lunch with my girls or laugh about nonsense to fill certain breaks on my schedule. I miss our amazing relationship and how I could act like a complete idiot and it'd seem normal. I now feel like everyone I encounter is somehow judging me, in the same way as I'm judging them. It's sad to think of it that way, but it's reality.
     Despite what's been going on (or what hasn't really been going on), I know that real friends don't just give up and mine are not those type of people.

We Build Then We Break

"I always have this fear that one day you're going to discover I'm not as great as you once thought I was."

     I always wonder why you travel 500km to come see me. I feel special but at the same time sad. It's not because of the age. I simply fear the day you make excuses as to why you can't visit anymore. I'm scared that what you see now won't be as awesome tomorrow. I'm afraid you'll look at me one day and decide I'm one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made. I'm scared you won't find interest in me anymore. I'll always have the same flaws, personality and laugh; you'll get bored of me. I fear I'm not as great as what initially caught your eye. I feel like I should try being someone else so I keep you intrigued. I fear you'll abandon me someday because, well, you can. I'm scared of not receiving any text messages. I hate waving goodbye to you because I fear it's the last time I'll ever see you again. I'm afraid that when you tell me sweet things it's because you feel bad. Or if you do mean those sweet things, I'm scared you'll realize how false they are. I'm afraid you'll find someone who deserves them more than me. I despise the beautiful women that walk by me because I think maybe they'd be better for you. I feel like I'm not good enough. I fear you'll begin to avoid me. I get nervous at the thought of failing to keep up with the compliments you give me. If my hair's nice one day, what if it isn't as great the next? I'm scared of what's going on in your head. I'm nervous at the thought of what really lies beyond your facial expressions. I worry that I don't mean as much to you as you mean to me. I fear you giving up. I'm scared that if I do mean a lot to you, you won't fight for me. I'm afraid you'll run away from me. I fear the future. I wonder if you see me in yours. I wonder if you'd smile at that thought or frown.
     I had an amazing three days in a row with you, don't get me wrong. I usually don't even question your love for me; I know it's genuine. But then my mind takes complete control and I accumulate thoughts. I become worried and afraid and destructive. I just feel this way sometimes. You'll realize sooner or later that the quote is accurate and I'm actually not as great as you once thought I was. Relationships come and go and the reason for a break-up is usually just that. I hope that's not how our story ends.

Everytime You Lie

     When I was young, I knew everything my parents thought I didn't know. I knew where my mother hid my Christmas gift; the one Santa was supposed to bring me personally. I knew the Tooth Fairy didn't exist. I knew what sex was and how it was done. I knew every curse word and used it at school almost effortlessly. I knew what my parents were talking about when they'd whisper or sign language to each other from across the room. I knew that parents usually slept together in the same room and showed affection towards one another despite being in front of their kids. I knew that there was something wrong with my dad sleeping on the couch and my mom sleeping in her bedroom. I knew referring to the bedroom as "hers" was wrong too. I knew that we had money issues. I knew a lot and I'm sure tons more if I thought hard enough. The one that impacted me the most is that I knew my father smoked. I knew that "I have to get something in the car," actually meant, "I'm going out for a smoke." I knew that the garage, the place he locked himself in almost every night, was his smoking hot spot. I knew that the stink he filled the house with wasn't anything but cigarette smell. I knew he thought I was stupid. I knew he convinced himself I'd never find out. I knew that he was a fucking idiot because after roughly nine years, he still thinks I don't know. He still uses the same damn excuse. And he still doesn't understand that he smells absolutely fucking disgusting when coming in from the garage.
     I never confronted this problem because I was young, scared and worried about what would happen. I regret it because too many years have gone by without anything being said. Funny how Andrew figured it out now. I'm proud of him because despite being young, scared and worried about what would happen, he went for it anyway and asked my father the question that I never built up the courage to say. My father still refuses it though. The container of cigarettes in the garage is for display I guess. Yeah, that must be it. Let's all keep avoiding the truth.

Cross My Heart

There are very few people in my life that mean a lot to me. My friends and Shaun are up there on the list except only as of right now. The minutes and months go by and before I know it, I won't be in love or have my best friends anymore. The relationship with Shaun will end in flames and my friendship with Amanda and Claire will slowly slip through my fingers. I'll have new faces that reach the top of my list; it's only a matter of time. Kind of sad to think of it like that, right? This is why my brother is number one. I know that he could never vanish. Sure, maybe in a while from now, we won't speak for a year due to a pointless fight, but unlike bitchy friends and heartbreakers, he'll always stick around. My brother, although a pain in my fucking ass, means the world to me. He's the only person I'd take a bullet for. I wouldn't even do it for my parents or friends. I guess this just goes to say that my brother is my brother and I love him. Just wanted everyone to know.

If It Means A Lot To You

     Shaun, known as "lovey face," "loves" or "lovey," is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I don't really know what our relationship is. I do know that I care about him more than he thinks and he's one of the very few people who care for me in return. He's older... By a few years... But that hasn't stopped us yet.
     I've grown so attached to him, it's unreal. He's the guy I text when I wake up and say goodnight to when I'm curled up in bed. When something exciting happens, I tell him. When something makes me mad, I tell him. He has this crazy ability to detect if something's bothering me. It amazes me. I never knew someone could know me that well.
     When I have questions, and usually always do, he answers every single one. I love being able to lean on someone. Knowing that he will always be there to help and to know what to do is reassuring. He discusses everything and never lets something go. He always leaves me with the best opinions or the longest lectures. ;)
     We laugh about the stupidest things. Literally though, the stupidest things. Don't believe me? We had a laugh attack in the middle of horrifically painful sex, the word "face" makes us pee our pants laughing and caps lock seems to be the funniest invention to us. I have this obsession with him putting his weight on me, and when he does, we can't stop laughing. It's awesome and I just had to include it.
     One of my favorite qualities about him is that he's so completely paranoid. He's just this cute little nervous wreck and I love watching. It's rather entertaining. When freaking out, he can barely finish a sentence, it always ends with "...oh my god." Funny how you can make me smile with just that. Some people would see this as one of your flaws, but I honestly adore it.
     Before Shaun, I was a complete disaster. Now, I'm just a disaster. I've improved. I used to get sad without knowing the cause. I'd cut myself to feel. Come to think of it, I haven't done either in a very long time. A couple months ago, I had absolutely zero confidence and since then I've gained a tiny bit. I'm not afraid to be touched or kissed. I'm better at looking people in the eye. I've told someone I don't want to be touched by them. I'm truly proud of myself and how I've changed. I know that there are still things that need to be fixed and repaired, but there's always a solution. That's what I've learned from him.
     If you do ever get to see this, I want to apologize for driving you absolutely crazy or worrying you. I loves you SO much (even though you know that) and wherever our paths may lead, just know that I appreciate everything and won't forget it or how incredibly patient you were with me.