Poem No.3: Mother 's Eyes

Your eyes wander,

whenever I begin to speak,

glancing above and below,

My eyebrows, 

My nose,

My thighs,

And every time,

I continue my story,

Hoping that things will be different,

Hoping you will have listened,

And it hurts,

It really, really hurts,

That I allow myself to take in so much hope,

That I care more about you than the times you've brought me down,

I guess it's sad that I never learn,

I don't know who I'm more disappointed in,

Because after all the chances I've given,

Not once have you ever proven me wrong,

But I will probably still try again tomorrow. 

Poem No.2

Maybe love can be explained in words, 

or maybe it can be explained by the brief moment you take to gaze at my lips, right before you kiss me. 

Poem No.1: The Concept of Love

I used to have trouble,

With the concept of love,

People said it was something,

To never be void of,

Only until I met you,

Was I able to see,

What people were talking about,

And how subtle it can be. 

I feel it every time, 

You lean to squeeze my knee,

Knowing I'm troubled,

By something I didn't know you could see,

I see it sometimes,

From the corner of my eye,

When I catch you gazing at me,

For reasons I still don't know why. 

I taste it on your lips,

When you kiss me tender,

But mostly when you kiss the flaws,

You have somehow helped me surrender. 

It's even in the sound,

Of the words you like to say,

Just to make me feel good,

A game you're not forced to play. 

It is all because of you,

I know the people are right,

To be void of love,

is to be void of light. 

And without light,

I would have never perceived,

What you offer to the word, 

How you make me believe. 

The Little Things

I feel like the most sensitive person on the planet. I cry when I'm too sad and when I'm too happy. I even cry when I'm angry and yelling at my parents. I get insulted easily. I feel hurt when people joke about things that are not really funny. Regardless of all this, I feel like everyone has that one thing that triggers tears. Or am I wrong? A memory, a place... Something. Probably wrong.

I have a memory that instantly brings me from high to low. It's scary really... The control one thought can have on the mind. The way the darkness glazes over so effortlessly. The way your whole perspective of everything you were okay with changes. Maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe nobody really understands what I'm saying. I just hate being manipulated by something so meaningless. Because I know this thought is meaningless. So little... Still, I can't give it up. It eats at me. It weakens me. And I can't fight it. Ever. 

I was once at my grandma's house (dad's side). Supper had ended. My mom was helping my grandma wash the dirty dishes. I remember being surprised at the view. My mom, who very much so hates her in-laws, was helping my grandma to be the bigger person. It was a nice thing to see. My grandma begins talking about me. How "beautiful" I am. Oh Grandma, someone who has always really appreciated me, being her one and only granddaughter. She spoke about me, telling my mom how proud she is to have such a beautiful granddaughter, knowing my mom would agree. Until she didn't. Until she began talking about Lianna, my very stunning god sister. Lianna was baptized by my mother and has always been, no pun intended, a sister to me. We're so close. I love that girl. It is very true that she's gorgeous. She has glowing olive skin, a beautiful smile and a natural beauty. My mom reminds my grandma of her, saying "You should see Rosa's daughter. She's grown up. She's beautiful now." My grandma protests, "Mena, I'm sure she is. But your daughter, she's one of a kind. My granddaughter is breathtaking!" My mom doesn't hesitate to respond, "But you haven't seen Lianna". I remember the exact place I stood. In the room right across, standing, watching their backs as they spoke. The cruelest part is I've always had this feeling she knew I was standing there. It's more than a feeling actually, I'm pretty sure. Because she would do that to me. She would definitely purposely hurt me. And when she looked over at my grandma, there's no way she didn't see me in the corner of her eye. I remember being alone in the room. Turned around and began to cry silently... Tried hard to stop. Tried to convince myself it wasn't worth the tears. I knew I couldn't cry long before someone walked in. Then my grandma called out for me, wondering where I was. I composed myself so quickly, as I walked towards her, that I was impressed with myself. And the night went on... Yet, even in the car on the drive home, it haunted me and tears rolled down my face as I leaned against the window, hiding from the rear view mirror.

This haunting memory... So odd. My mom isn't the nicest person, I've heard so many unpleasant things come out of her mouth. But this? This has always been such a burden, such a weight on my shoulders, such a fucking energy sucker. Always makes me disappointed in myself. I didn't turn out to be the daughter my mother wanted. Or as beautiful as other people's daughters. It makes me feel like I've failed at something. Like I don't fit her standards, like I'm not good enough. Like she's saddened to have me as a daughter, maybe wishes Lianna was instead. Like I am someone who is not worthy of her love. 

I maybe shouldn't have posted this because now every time I re-read it, I'll cry. Maybe it will help me overcome it. 

One last thing, if you ever find this account mom, suck a fucking dick. I hate you for weakening me and fucking me up mentally. Making me worry about shit like this. Such brainwash and negativity I'm faced with. It's brutal. Cruel. Messed up. And I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you for corrupting my world. I fucking hate you for not being a MOTHER to me. Because a mother is someone who loves regardless of beauty or flaw. 

Goodbye to You

If you ever see this, which you might not, I just want to say a few things.   

   Firstly, the reason I get quiet when I'm sad is because I lose all my speech. I want to say something and I try, but nothing comes out. I forget how to phrase things and don't know where to start. I don't even really know what to say. I always want to tell you, when you give me that look, to wait because I will end up saying something, but I can never do it. So, I'm sorry. I know it bothered you. I know it left a lot of things unsaid and kept a lot of our issues still up in the air. 

   Secondly, I'm sorry things went this far. I was selfish. I loved you, and still do, and couldn't let you go. I couldn't give you up and let you be loved by someone else. I wanted you to be mine. I've loved every second spent with you and do not regret those moments with you. What I do regret, is not giving you a chance to find someone you could really be with, long-term. In ways, I led you on. I was once convinced that things would work out, we'd get married, have kids, live together in Toronto, but who was I kidding. I was blinded by love. And you are too. Because the reality of it is, it is unrealistic. 

   This is sounding way more negative than I hoped. I don't think it's the direction I was going for. I want to thank you for everything. For that first day I met you and for the last day we spent together, no matter how sad it was, it was another day spent with you. How could I not be happy about that? I'm so thrilled to have met you. To have kissed you, made love to you and all other secrets only you and I will know. You were the best first chapter in my life ever. I couldn't have asked for anything better. You taught me so much, I mean... Think of me at the beginning. I am such a different person now and it's all because of you. I can only hope you've become a changed person because of me too. 

   I don't want you to dwell on this, on the fact that we haven't lasted as a couple. If things are meant to work out, they will. Plus, you will always have a sweet spot in my heart. I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with you. In years from now, when I run into you randomly, I'm sure my heart will flutter like it did that first day when I knew we would be something. We can't assume nothing will happen in the future. You never know. It just isn't the right time now. Don't cry, smile (even though I'm bawling as I type this)! I want you to be happy. I want you to take this period of your life and cherish it. I sure hope you're not regretting it, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. I don't want you to be depressed, and smoke weed all day and sleep. It's not what you want. Or what I want. Do something about it... Be healthy and live your life like you should. 

   In time, love, we will both be fine. You will fall in love with someone else and completely forget about me. Which is good. As long as you're happy. That's all I want for you. The reality of it all still hasn't really hit. By the end of the day, when I realize you will really, truly, never text me again, that's when I'll cry even harder, if that's even possible. I've been so close to you for about three years, and here it is, all slipping through my fingers. It's sad, and that's inevitable. This is hard, but there isn't any other way. Just envision me giving you a huge hug and a huge kiss. And give Nerms and Sam all my love, for I will surely miss them to pieces. 

   Well, this is it. The end of a letter and the end of a love that was so strong. I almost never want to end this letter because it just makes things more real. I will miss you. Really, really, really miss you. And for weeks, you will always be in the back of my mind. But the day that you are gone from my subconscious, know that you forever own a piece of my heart. That'll never change. 

   There are so many more things to say, but it would take me books to really explain to you how much you mean to me. I hope you know your worth in my eyes by now, regardless of this letter. 

Muah... I love you so much, it hurts.

Good bye Shaun.

Your Cutieface,
Stephania. 

Toxic

My mother... Is... A psycho. I'm convinced she has some chemical imbalance in her brain. She is fucked up. She angers me so much that I just need to start an argument with her. I hate when people get away with things, it's something I feel I need to stop. This is one of the worst arguments we've had. She's got my dad watching HER father in the hospital while she's at home. How does that make any fucking sense? As if she would do the same for my dad's father. That's a fucking joke. Honestly, as much as I've said I hate my father, I feel bad for him and for the level of respect he gets in the house. He's pretty much her slave. He sleeps on the couch. The poor guy tries his hardest to survive in this household and does the best he can but is never appreciated. Especially by my mother. And now this? No way. I can't stand this. I HAD to argue with her. This is fucking ridiculous.

So there I am, beginning to argue with her over this topic. And then I explode. Everything that I hate about this bitch comes pouring out of me. How she mistreats my dad, how she hates, how she judges, how heartless she is, how conceited. I just burn and burn inside because I, at my age, am the only one to stand up to her. Not my dad, aunt, uncle, grandparents... Nobody. Just me. And everyone hates her. I even asked her while we were yelling at each other, "Who loves you? Who do you really think loves you?" And she answered, "Myself." Well, isn't that cute. She even admits her family hates her, her kids, her husband and her colleagues. Everyone. No WONDER. All she does is make judgement to everything that moves. She sucks the life out of everyone to make herself feel better.

My mother thinks she's always right. She thinks she provides for this family all by herself. She thinks she's the only one who works hard. All she does is feel sorry for herself. It's plain sad. She has no idea what the meaning of humble is and she's 40-something. She compliments herself about 10 times a day on what a beautiful mother 'we' have and how lucky 'we' are to be blessed with her face. Truly though, all she is is fake. She has extensions because she worries about the thickness of her hair. She's on Jenny Craig because she's fat as fuck. And she laughs at jokes that are not funny and compares herself to people while they speak to her. What a lovely women... Aren't I just so lucky to have her as my mother?

After all the pushing, the fighting, the comments I've made, you'd think she would cry or think to herself about what I've said. Yet, I've never seen her cry, I've never seen her feel bad. She's inhuman. She's so fully focused on herself and on the fact that she thinks she's always right that she has no remorse. Talking to her is pointless!! She doesn't get it. She doesn't know stuff that I know and I'm the young one. I'm the child who needs to be the parent. I'm the one who needs to be the bigger person and teach my brother the right way to treat people. I need to be the one to keep my brother afloat. She just doesn't understand the lessons she teaches us. Parents should sleep together. Judging is wrong. Loving is right. Comparing your children is wrong. I mean... Simple things are so complex in this household. It's messed up. My mother needs fucking help and I feel so alone in this house. I feel like the only sane person here.

When I was younger the words she said to me made me insecure. I always felt like I wasn't good enough or that I didn't amount to her. I was maybe jealous because she always made herself out to be the most beautiful woman and I guess I didn't know better. Now, I know I'm a million times more beautiful than that ugly human being I call my mother. She can keep trying to tear me down but I know that anyone is worth more than a person that selfish and ignorant. I'm stronger. I fight back now. I have a voice. Thankfully I know now to grow up to be everything but the person she is. I should be fine if I stick to that and if I keep fighting for what I think is right. She can actually suck my non-existent dick. She maybe brainwashed me as a kid and took away my confidence then, but there's no fucking way she's getting a hold of my soul. I'm keeping the kindness I have in my heart and she can try as hard as she can to change that. It'll never ever ever ever work. Bitch. I'm saving me.

In The End

Dear Shaun,

          Hi. Before you disappear from my life forever, I just want to say that I understand your position. I'm sorry I'm not the person you wanted me to be. I know though, that you will find someone who is the right kind of perfect for you. I want you to know that I've only kept you a secret because I really cannot do anything about it. I can't. I know you hate that word, but it's no word of a lie... If there was some possibility, some chance, some way that my family could be accepting, I would risk it all, but I know them too well. It wouldn't work.

          I want to thank you for everything we've had together, for every smile, every laugh, every tear. I would never go back and change it. I don't regret us at all. Actually, I don't see how it could've been any different. Thanks for everything you've taught me. Thanks for making me into the person I am now. Thanks for helping me out of that dark time I was in. I will forever take your advice with me. I appreciate the hours you've taken out of your life to visit me and all the money you've spent just to be with me. It means so much. You've honestly made me feel like the most special girl in the entire world.

          I will never have the moments I've shared with you, with anybody else. From that first day at Fairview all the way to packing your car for another goodbye, I will cherish everything, every low, every high. Those times crying together and those times laughing hysterically for no reason... The pictures we've taken, the weird shit we've done, I love it all. The thoughtful gifts you've given me, the joy I had making yours :). The car rides and the breakfast dates... The little quirks, the tickling... The Biodome!! There's just so much. It's been a year filled with memories. Pandy and Angry will forever be a reminder of you. I am so thrilled to have a part of you still with me.

          I could keep going. I want to tell you so much. I want to remind you of all of our good times but, I know I can't. I hope I have somehow taught you something too. I hope you'll look back on our times together in a few years and smile, maybe laugh, but mostly smile. I hope you never meet someone as quirky and weird as me. I hope to see you again someday. Maybe with a wife, maybe with kids, but truly, I'd just like to see you happy. That's all I want you to be. No matter what.

          I love you. I think deep down, somewhere in my heart, I will always. You've impacted me in ways I can't express. I can't tell you how sad I am to see you go, but yet how happy I am to realize how privileged I've been to meet such an amazing guy like you. Really.

Here's to us, an incredible couple. I am crying, yet completely smiling as I type this. I'll miss you.

"Don't be sad that it's over; smile because it happened."

Your dirty hippie,
Stephania