I have a memory that instantly brings me from high to low. It's scary really... The control one thought can have on the mind. The way the darkness glazes over so effortlessly. The way your whole perspective of everything you were okay with changes. Maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe nobody really understands what I'm saying. I just hate being manipulated by something so meaningless. Because I know this thought is meaningless. So little... Still, I can't give it up. It eats at me. It weakens me. And I can't fight it. Ever.
I was once at my grandma's house (dad's side). Supper had ended. My mom was helping my grandma wash the dirty dishes. I remember being surprised at the view. My mom, who very much so hates her in-laws, was helping my grandma to be the bigger person. It was a nice thing to see. My grandma begins talking about me. How "beautiful" I am. Oh Grandma, someone who has always really appreciated me, being her one and only granddaughter. She spoke about me, telling my mom how proud she is to have such a beautiful granddaughter, knowing my mom would agree. Until she didn't. Until she began talking about Lianna, my very stunning god sister. Lianna was baptized by my mother and has always been, no pun intended, a sister to me. We're so close. I love that girl. It is very true that she's gorgeous. She has glowing olive skin, a beautiful smile and a natural beauty. My mom reminds my grandma of her, saying "You should see Rosa's daughter. She's grown up. She's beautiful now." My grandma protests, "Mena, I'm sure she is. But your daughter, she's one of a kind. My granddaughter is breathtaking!" My mom doesn't hesitate to respond, "But you haven't seen Lianna". I remember the exact place I stood. In the room right across, standing, watching their backs as they spoke. The cruelest part is I've always had this feeling she knew I was standing there. It's more than a feeling actually, I'm pretty sure. Because she would do that to me. She would definitely purposely hurt me. And when she looked over at my grandma, there's no way she didn't see me in the corner of her eye. I remember being alone in the room. Turned around and began to cry silently... Tried hard to stop. Tried to convince myself it wasn't worth the tears. I knew I couldn't cry long before someone walked in. Then my grandma called out for me, wondering where I was. I composed myself so quickly, as I walked towards her, that I was impressed with myself. And the night went on... Yet, even in the car on the drive home, it haunted me and tears rolled down my face as I leaned against the window, hiding from the rear view mirror.
This haunting memory... So odd. My mom isn't the nicest person, I've heard so many unpleasant things come out of her mouth. But this? This has always been such a burden, such a weight on my shoulders, such a fucking energy sucker. Always makes me disappointed in myself. I didn't turn out to be the daughter my mother wanted. Or as beautiful as other people's daughters. It makes me feel like I've failed at something. Like I don't fit her standards, like I'm not good enough. Like she's saddened to have me as a daughter, maybe wishes Lianna was instead. Like I am someone who is not worthy of her love.
I maybe shouldn't have posted this because now every time I re-read it, I'll cry. Maybe it will help me overcome it.
One last thing, if you ever find this account mom, suck a fucking dick. I hate you for weakening me and fucking me up mentally. Making me worry about shit like this. Such brainwash and negativity I'm faced with. It's brutal. Cruel. Messed up. And I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you for corrupting my world. I fucking hate you for not being a MOTHER to me. Because a mother is someone who loves regardless of beauty or flaw.
