If you ever see this, which you might not, I just want to say a few things.
Firstly, the reason I get quiet when I'm sad is because I lose all my speech. I want to say something and I try, but nothing comes out. I forget how to phrase things and don't know where to start. I don't even really know what to say. I always want to tell you, when you give me that look, to wait because I will end up saying something, but I can never do it. So, I'm sorry. I know it bothered you. I know it left a lot of things unsaid and kept a lot of our issues still up in the air.
Secondly, I'm sorry things went this far. I was selfish. I loved you, and still do, and couldn't let you go. I couldn't give you up and let you be loved by someone else. I wanted you to be mine. I've loved every second spent with you and do not regret those moments with you. What I do regret, is not giving you a chance to find someone you could really be with, long-term. In ways, I led you on. I was once convinced that things would work out, we'd get married, have kids, live together in Toronto, but who was I kidding. I was blinded by love. And you are too. Because the reality of it is, it is unrealistic.
This is sounding way more negative than I hoped. I don't think it's the direction I was going for. I want to thank you for everything. For that first day I met you and for the last day we spent together, no matter how sad it was, it was another day spent with you. How could I not be happy about that? I'm so thrilled to have met you. To have kissed you, made love to you and all other secrets only you and I will know. You were the best first chapter in my life ever. I couldn't have asked for anything better. You taught me so much, I mean... Think of me at the beginning. I am such a different person now and it's all because of you. I can only hope you've become a changed person because of me too.
I don't want you to dwell on this, on the fact that we haven't lasted as a couple. If things are meant to work out, they will. Plus, you will always have a sweet spot in my heart. I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with you. In years from now, when I run into you randomly, I'm sure my heart will flutter like it did that first day when I knew we would be something. We can't assume nothing will happen in the future. You never know. It just isn't the right time now. Don't cry, smile (even though I'm bawling as I type this)! I want you to be happy. I want you to take this period of your life and cherish it. I sure hope you're not regretting it, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. I don't want you to be depressed, and smoke weed all day and sleep. It's not what you want. Or what I want. Do something about it... Be healthy and live your life like you should.
In time, love, we will both be fine. You will fall in love with someone else and completely forget about me. Which is good. As long as you're happy. That's all I want for you. The reality of it all still hasn't really hit. By the end of the day, when I realize you will really, truly, never text me again, that's when I'll cry even harder, if that's even possible. I've been so close to you for about three years, and here it is, all slipping through my fingers. It's sad, and that's inevitable. This is hard, but there isn't any other way. Just envision me giving you a huge hug and a huge kiss. And give Nerms and Sam all my love, for I will surely miss them to pieces.
Well, this is it. The end of a letter and the end of a love that was so strong. I almost never want to end this letter because it just makes things more real. I will miss you. Really, really, really miss you. And for weeks, you will always be in the back of my mind. But the day that you are gone from my subconscious, know that you forever own a piece of my heart. That'll never change.
There are so many more things to say, but it would take me books to really explain to you how much you mean to me. I hope you know your worth in my eyes by now, regardless of this letter.
Muah... I love you so much, it hurts.
Good bye Shaun.
Your Cutieface,
Stephania.
