Toxic

My mother... Is... A psycho. I'm convinced she has some chemical imbalance in her brain. She is fucked up. She angers me so much that I just need to start an argument with her. I hate when people get away with things, it's something I feel I need to stop. This is one of the worst arguments we've had. She's got my dad watching HER father in the hospital while she's at home. How does that make any fucking sense? As if she would do the same for my dad's father. That's a fucking joke. Honestly, as much as I've said I hate my father, I feel bad for him and for the level of respect he gets in the house. He's pretty much her slave. He sleeps on the couch. The poor guy tries his hardest to survive in this household and does the best he can but is never appreciated. Especially by my mother. And now this? No way. I can't stand this. I HAD to argue with her. This is fucking ridiculous.

So there I am, beginning to argue with her over this topic. And then I explode. Everything that I hate about this bitch comes pouring out of me. How she mistreats my dad, how she hates, how she judges, how heartless she is, how conceited. I just burn and burn inside because I, at my age, am the only one to stand up to her. Not my dad, aunt, uncle, grandparents... Nobody. Just me. And everyone hates her. I even asked her while we were yelling at each other, "Who loves you? Who do you really think loves you?" And she answered, "Myself." Well, isn't that cute. She even admits her family hates her, her kids, her husband and her colleagues. Everyone. No WONDER. All she does is make judgement to everything that moves. She sucks the life out of everyone to make herself feel better.

My mother thinks she's always right. She thinks she provides for this family all by herself. She thinks she's the only one who works hard. All she does is feel sorry for herself. It's plain sad. She has no idea what the meaning of humble is and she's 40-something. She compliments herself about 10 times a day on what a beautiful mother 'we' have and how lucky 'we' are to be blessed with her face. Truly though, all she is is fake. She has extensions because she worries about the thickness of her hair. She's on Jenny Craig because she's fat as fuck. And she laughs at jokes that are not funny and compares herself to people while they speak to her. What a lovely women... Aren't I just so lucky to have her as my mother?

After all the pushing, the fighting, the comments I've made, you'd think she would cry or think to herself about what I've said. Yet, I've never seen her cry, I've never seen her feel bad. She's inhuman. She's so fully focused on herself and on the fact that she thinks she's always right that she has no remorse. Talking to her is pointless!! She doesn't get it. She doesn't know stuff that I know and I'm the young one. I'm the child who needs to be the parent. I'm the one who needs to be the bigger person and teach my brother the right way to treat people. I need to be the one to keep my brother afloat. She just doesn't understand the lessons she teaches us. Parents should sleep together. Judging is wrong. Loving is right. Comparing your children is wrong. I mean... Simple things are so complex in this household. It's messed up. My mother needs fucking help and I feel so alone in this house. I feel like the only sane person here.

When I was younger the words she said to me made me insecure. I always felt like I wasn't good enough or that I didn't amount to her. I was maybe jealous because she always made herself out to be the most beautiful woman and I guess I didn't know better. Now, I know I'm a million times more beautiful than that ugly human being I call my mother. She can keep trying to tear me down but I know that anyone is worth more than a person that selfish and ignorant. I'm stronger. I fight back now. I have a voice. Thankfully I know now to grow up to be everything but the person she is. I should be fine if I stick to that and if I keep fighting for what I think is right. She can actually suck my non-existent dick. She maybe brainwashed me as a kid and took away my confidence then, but there's no fucking way she's getting a hold of my soul. I'm keeping the kindness I have in my heart and she can try as hard as she can to change that. It'll never ever ever ever work. Bitch. I'm saving me.

In The End

Dear Shaun,

          Hi. Before you disappear from my life forever, I just want to say that I understand your position. I'm sorry I'm not the person you wanted me to be. I know though, that you will find someone who is the right kind of perfect for you. I want you to know that I've only kept you a secret because I really cannot do anything about it. I can't. I know you hate that word, but it's no word of a lie... If there was some possibility, some chance, some way that my family could be accepting, I would risk it all, but I know them too well. It wouldn't work.

          I want to thank you for everything we've had together, for every smile, every laugh, every tear. I would never go back and change it. I don't regret us at all. Actually, I don't see how it could've been any different. Thanks for everything you've taught me. Thanks for making me into the person I am now. Thanks for helping me out of that dark time I was in. I will forever take your advice with me. I appreciate the hours you've taken out of your life to visit me and all the money you've spent just to be with me. It means so much. You've honestly made me feel like the most special girl in the entire world.

          I will never have the moments I've shared with you, with anybody else. From that first day at Fairview all the way to packing your car for another goodbye, I will cherish everything, every low, every high. Those times crying together and those times laughing hysterically for no reason... The pictures we've taken, the weird shit we've done, I love it all. The thoughtful gifts you've given me, the joy I had making yours :). The car rides and the breakfast dates... The little quirks, the tickling... The Biodome!! There's just so much. It's been a year filled with memories. Pandy and Angry will forever be a reminder of you. I am so thrilled to have a part of you still with me.

          I could keep going. I want to tell you so much. I want to remind you of all of our good times but, I know I can't. I hope I have somehow taught you something too. I hope you'll look back on our times together in a few years and smile, maybe laugh, but mostly smile. I hope you never meet someone as quirky and weird as me. I hope to see you again someday. Maybe with a wife, maybe with kids, but truly, I'd just like to see you happy. That's all I want you to be. No matter what.

          I love you. I think deep down, somewhere in my heart, I will always. You've impacted me in ways I can't express. I can't tell you how sad I am to see you go, but yet how happy I am to realize how privileged I've been to meet such an amazing guy like you. Really.

Here's to us, an incredible couple. I am crying, yet completely smiling as I type this. I'll miss you.

"Don't be sad that it's over; smile because it happened."

Your dirty hippie,
Stephania

Fragile Bird

The person you love leaving you. There's nothing like that feeling. Like a part of who you are as a person vanishes. Like a part of who you've grown to be is gone to shit. I feel like I'm walking backwards, confused and lost. I feel empty. Utterly though.... utterly sad. Someone you've spoken to every single day for practically two years leaves your life. No more speaking, no more touching, no more nicknames. No more hope, no more routine, no more love. How can I possibly go from being so close to someone to being so far in a matter of hours? It pains me. The person I've honestly LIVED for, I will never speak to again. Why do we bother fall in love if we get hurt repeatedly? I love him so much... And I cry as I type it... It kills me because I was so happy. Just so happy and I have never been that high. I have never been that close to happiness before. It's not even that I love him, it's that he made me a better person. It sounds so cheesy, but there is no other way to describe it. The way I was with him was just amazing. So in love... The things I've learnt from him, the memories we've made... I don't know if I can leave that lifestyle, I'm too adapted, too comfortable. I was SO comfortable. Now, I'm just scared. Scared for today, tomorrow and everyday without him. Mostly though, I'm scared to forget. I'm scared all those times together, those moments loving each other, will be erased from both of us. What we've felt the last year or so, can only be felt now. In 10 years, nothing will matter anymore. I burn to the thought of someone replacing me. I crumble to the new memories that will override ours. Life is just so fucking unfair. I can't cope with losing my baby, my friend. The routines I've made with him... How can I let them go? They're engraved in me. How can I forget about Nerms, or the funny little jokes we had between us? How can I cuddle Pandy and not think of him? It's hard to let go of someone you've saved a huge spot in your heart for. I don't know what I'm going to do... I don't know how I'm going to go on... I don't know how I can survive this... I feel alone already. And I want a hug and a kissie more than anything right now. I want to forget about it all, go back to normal and wish this day never happened. I can't stop crying, can't stop thinking. Just the thought of never seeing him again makes my vision blur.

I will never have the chance to really say goodbye. And this... this is something I can't get my mind around. I just can't.